I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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