I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
