I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
