Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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