I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
