Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
