Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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