alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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