Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
