i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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