I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I think I won the penis lottery.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
