Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
