i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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