remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
