Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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