We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
