It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
