i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
