So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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