just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize