WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Found your dick twin last night
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
