Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He passed out mid-signature
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
