I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
