Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
