your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
