No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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