i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
