Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
