My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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