Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
