My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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