def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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