can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
