What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
