FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
