I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
