i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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