I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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