he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
