I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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