six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
