i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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