Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
