So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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