haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
