tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
