i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
