i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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