My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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