remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
