I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
