i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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