if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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