also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
