I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
