the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My vagina is officially offended.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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