I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
