I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
