I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
